14. Conversations with Lucas. Cont. from #11

A few weeks later while struggling to sleep I felt Lucas sitting on my bed and holding my hand, it was the most peaceful sleep I had since his passing, maybe ever. The amount of comfort and calm my son could instill in me sometimes amazed me, sometimes I can feel so close to him it is like he never passed. 

I knew without a doubt Lucas’s spirit was with me from the moment I found out he had passed. It was not something I didn’t fully recognize was happening at the time because I was also in complete shock and denial, it was more of a guidance that I trusted and felt. It was as if I was talking with Lucas on the phone or he was in the next room telling me it was going to be ok and guiding me on what to do. 

The journaling started about two months after Lucas passed, because I felt as though I was connected with my son’s spirit, and I did not want to lose that ability I started watching a lot of psychic shows and eventually I was led to a class on Daily Om class called “Talking with Dead People”. I feel my son led me to this class. This is what helped me realized that through journaling I could communicate with Lucas in an easier way. 

Although I knew I had received clear signs from Lucas that we are connected, it became something I found comfort in and would begin asking for on a regular basis. 

I began journaling on October 24, 2023.

Notes from journal: 

My intention for this journal is to heal my heart from the pain of losing my son’s physical presence and to begin a new journey and relationship with his spirit. His big, beautiful, amazing spirit and to begin to fully tune into my purpose, guides and future moving forward. 

On 11/2/23 I completed the course and began journaling with Lucas. 

*Represents what I feel to be Lucas’s response

Hi Lucas, are you here? 

*Of course

I miss you sweetie! I am really having a hard time, sometimes I still can’t believe you are gone, and it just doesn’t make sense. Sometimes I just feel so empty and angry and sad all at once. It is impossible to express how much you mean to me. I just loved everything about being your mom and it is so heartbreaking to have you have gone from this lifetime. I just ache so much. I just feel lost and scared and unsure. As much as I feel you with me. It is just so different, and I miss you. I miss Lucas, that sweet soul that I had the privilege of raising. Sometimes I just don’t care if I live anymore. I never thought I would feel that way. I just can’t stand being apart from you like this. 

Sometimes I just want to hide away and cry for days and days. I am so not sure how I will move through this. I think I will always have moments where I am overcome with anger and sadness. 

 How are you, Lucas? 

*I am just worried about you mom. I am here for you. 

I know Lucas. I trust that. It is just so hard to not see you or hear your voice. I miss that so much.  

Do you think I am handling everything ok with your friends?

 *Yes, of course. Just trust, mom.  

I love you, Lucas. I am always going to be here for you. I am still your mom, and I still want to help you out in any way I can. 

Ok? 

*I know that mom, thank you. Go to the water, find peace in nature mom. It is the only sure thing in this world. 

Ok sweetie, I will. Maybe we can go for a walk together. 

*Always mom! 

I love you always, Lucas. 

11/12/23

Hi sweetie, thinking of you. 

I don’t know what to make of you leaving the day before my birthday sweetie, I wanted to remind you tomorrow is my birthday and tell you not to ride. I was so worried, but never did I think you would die. 

*I am sorry mom; I didn’t mean for that to happen like that. I was trying to be safe. It was just my time mom. I am sorry it was the day before your birthday. Please try to continue to celebrate your birthday and not celebrate the day I left. I will always be here for you mom, always. 

*Being sad is a part of losing love mom but I am right here. Try to trust that mom. I am always close and watching after you and Maile. 

Sometimes I just want to leave and be with you Lucas. Sometimes my thoughts scare me. 

*I am sure mom but stay on your journey. You will have a beautiful journey and continue to celebrate me and remember I am still with you on this journey. You have a lot of good things coming mom. 

I love you, Lucas. I miss you. 

11/20/23

I had a dream that Lucas was allowed to be with us on his birthday, but he had to be five years old to remind us to see the world as a child does, to see how beautiful and amazing everything is. 

11/21/23

Three months

I loved my dream about you coming for your birthday. 

*It is important mom; it will help with stress (focusing on how beautiful and amazing the world is). 

I know bud, I feel you especially in nature. 

11/23/23 Thanksgiving

Hi Sweetie, our first Thanksgiving without you was painful. 

I am thankful to have Hannah and Z here and it was nice to be with the Watt family. B &Nana gave us all the sweetest gifts in your honor. B was so sad, and Maile gave us all hugs, it was really nice. 

Maile and I are so happy to be around the Kruger family. They fit in so well with the Watts. But all that said we really miss you. It was painful to not have your physical presence. I could feel you with us sweetie and I am so grateful for that. I love you so very much. 

Is there anything you want or need from me Lucas? I am always here for you sweetie. 

*You are doing a good job mom, thank you for staying in touch with all my friends and for doing the Habitat house. I think it is so cool, and I am so grateful to you and B and Nana and Maile for everything you have done to honor me. I see it all mom, all of it and it means so much. 

It is how I feel like I still get to be your mom sweetie, and you know I would do anything for you and Maile. 

I love you so very much. I love your heart and your beautiful spirit. I love that you are free Lucas, I really do. I just really miss you. 

11/28/23

Hi Lucas, what did you think of your birthday party? 

*I loved it mom, it was awesome! I loved the candles and the wishes and the stories. It was really special mom to have everyone there. Your amazing mom. I really appreciate everything you and Nana and B are doing for me. 

I am glad you liked the birthday celebration for you sweetie. It feels nice to be around your friends. I can feel your energy from them, especially Hannah. 

I love you, Lucas.

We are excited to go to Hawaii soon and spend more time with her. Let us know what places you want us to visit. It will be special to go to places you and Hannah enjoyed together. 

I think of you all the time sweetie. I am always grateful when you feel close. 

*I am here mom. 

What else are you doing sweetie? 

Do you work on things and spend time with others? Anything you can share with me? 

*It’s all an illusion there mom. Here is it real and amazing. I can be anything I want to be and do anything I want to do. We are all free from our egos and our limits, free to discover who we really are. 

That sounds amazing Lucas. I love that you are free, truly free. 

*We can feel and see your energy mom and understand what it needs but you have to be open to it mom. You have to keep your vibration high. 

Ok, thank you Lucas. I really am fascinated by everything you share and can do. It is amazing and I am so glad we are still connected. I love you forever Lucas. 

11/30/24

I am not sure that I will ever stop missing you. In fact, I’m sure I won’t. This is a hard pain to get used to. Someone you love so dearly is suddenly gone, ripped away from you. 

I know I need to celebrate you and my love for you. 

I know you are with me but sometimes I sink into sadness, and I can’t get back. The dark thoughts are scary, and they worry me sometimes.

I am grateful for you and everything you brought into my life, I do know that. 

I really loved you so deeply, I still do but it feels harder now to wrap my mind around.   

*Use your soul mom, you spirit, not your mind. I am here. I promise. I am here all the time.

Ok, sweetie. I love that, thank you. 

Use my spirit? 

*Your spirit is beautiful mom. Just relax, trust and believe in me mom. I am here, right here always. Just trust, feel my energy, I am here. I will always be here with you mom. I love you.