11. My continued connection with Lucas’s spirit

As Lucas approached 21, I started to notice a shift in him, an intensity that I could not fully understand. The number of times we talked on the phone started to increase as well as the length of time we would talk. After living in Hawaii for almost two years he was considering a lot of changes and trying to decide what felt right. He wanted to connect often to talk things through. We discussed so many things during this time and I was amazed at how aware my son seemed to be of himself and how he fit into this world. We would discuss ego, releasing emotions, being in the moment, and trusting the process of what life presents us. He enjoyed lifting others up and  had written a note in his phone that he read to me which stated he believed he was meant to do great things in this world and that he sees how off track we are as people. It seemed like such a large feeling to carry but I believe in my son and wanted him to fully believe in himself. At the time I just thought this was young adult angst, trying to find meaning in his life and I appreciated how thoughtful he was being and how often he reached out to me to share what he was going through. 

I never thought I would lose him, but I felt a dark energy looming and I didn’t know why. I could feel it come and go as we talked; I know my son felt it too, but we did not speak about it. When he called, I would carefully listen and try to fully tune into his energy, to calm it down. Often, I felt myself able to lift the darkness through our conversations and bring his energy up. On  August 21st, 2023, a day before my birthday, he called, he moved that day, he rented a moving truck and on his own moved all his items. He called me to tell me he was all moved in, but something was off, he sounded frustrated by something. I was out of town for the weekend and involved in a family dinner. So, I asked if we could talk later, he said yes, then he said, “mom, I am going for a motorcycle ride”. He was heading North with friends and there was not enough room in the car for him, so he decided to ride. My heart sunk; I knew he was tired from moving, so many thoughts ran through my mind. I wanted to say, tomorrow is my birthday, Lucas or you are tired it is not a good idea to go for a ride, but I decided to ignore these thoughts and say “ok, please be safe and I love you”. I could hardly focus during dinner.  Then my partner asked me what Lucas is up to, surfing, they guessed. No, I said, he is riding his motorcycle. They could feel the stress coming from me and we all changed the subject. Shortly after we finished eating, we got in the car and began to make our way home. We stopped on the way to meet my brother and give him some crab we had caught. Then I decided to check my son’s location, his spot was not moving, I took a screen shot of the location, my heart was racing. I messaged him in the hope he would reply, no response. I wasn’t sharing my concern with those in the car because I did not want to worry them as well. Then, from the back seat, my daughter says “mom, Hannah (my son’s girlfriend) is worried about Lucas”. My heart drops, I check his location again and this time he is in a hospital, I tell my daughter to let Hannah know and I immediately call the hospital.  I am put on hold, at first, they tell me they are not able to tell me anything, I scream and insist they do, otherwise I will show up there as soon as I can. It is not until we get home and into the house that someone finally comes on the phone to talk with me. It is just my daughter and I in my bedroom. “Ma’m, I am so sorry to tell you this” No, no, no, no, no. I am in shock, there has to be a mistake, this cannot be real. This just doesn’t make sense. I literally just spoke to him, I planned to talk with him again this evening. How can this possibly be true? I settle and listen, the woman on the phone is trying desperately to help me feel better, to bring me some kind of peace, “he did not suffer”, she says. I say thank you and ask how I can come see him, she takes my information and I hang up. I am stunned, my partner walks in the room “he didn’t make it”, I say. WHAT?! He is in in utter shock, I am too, I don’t even know what I am saying, how can these words be coming out of my mouth. I call Lucas’s dad, he doesn’t answer, I text and call again, he has been at a party, I don’t even want to say the words out loud. “Lucas was killed in a motorcycle accident” WHAT, are you serious? We are going to Hawaii tomorrow; we will keep you posted. I call my parents, I am not even sure how to break the news in any sort of way other than just saying it immediately, there is no way to share this news gently, I know this is going to break everyone I tell. Then I call my brother, I just saw my brother, all was good in our lives and now it is not. “Lucas was killed in a motorcycle accident” tears, shock, disbelief. I sit for a moment, and I feel a sense, I feel Lucas, I feel him telling me to call his friend Mikey to let him know, I feel him tell me to let Hannah know I am coming and we can see him together, she wants to see him now but I ask her to wait, somehow I feel this is what Lucas wants and of course it makes sense, I don’t know what she will see. 

I am not even sure I slept that night; I know my life has changed forever, I imagine I will quit my job, cry forever and just stop enjoying life, but I also have a sense of this peaceful energy, this calm that I can not explain. 

My partner takes Maile and I to the airport, we have a one-way ticket an no plans as to what to do when we get there but I feel I need to be close to my son. I wear a face mask and cry to entire flight, while in flight I feel Lucas telling me to have his friends in Hawaii plan a celebration while we are there. When we land, we are met by Hannah and Lucas’s friend, Jesse, I have heard so much about them but have never met them. We embrace and cry, I share all the good things I have heard about them and thank them for coming to get us. We settle into a condo a family friend is letting us use and start to reach out to friends and family we have not told yet. Once Lucas’s dad arrives, we start to take care of unimaginable painful things. We go to the medical examiner’s office to collect his personal belongings and we talk to the police officer at the scene. We meet with the funeral home and make arrangements to view Lucas’s body. He looks like Lucas, my beautiful boy, I knew he was wearing his helmet and I was somehow comforted by seeing him but also so deeply pained that the rest of his protective gear could not save him. We view him along with a few of Lucas’s friends and we say our goodbyes. The viewing was what I needed. I could see his beautiful face and say goodbye to his physical presence but afterwards the most primal cry came over me. I needed to let out all the pain I was feeling in that moment. It was so hard for me to gather myself afterwards, I just felt the need to scream and cry. This is the most confusing time, we are in paradise and experiencing such sorrow, yet I feel my son with me, and it is what is helping me through this. Some of Lucas’s young friends came with us to the viewing. Afterwards we embraced and went our separate ways. 

A few days later more family and some of Lucas’s friends from Washington arrived. His tribe in Oahu put together the most amazing day long life celebration for Lucas. We gathered at a park they all enjoyed  spending time at. We ate, sat in the sun, played games, and listened to music. His tribe made canvas photo collages for us and brought beautiful leighs. I had written a short speech, something I felt guided by Lucas to do, it had become apparent to me that day, after meeting Lucas’s tribe that he could still change the world through all of them, the people whose lives he touched. These beautiful, young souls, who came together to honor my son in such a kind and supportive way. Lucas’ dad also said a few words, along with the Hawaiian saying, “A Hui Hou”, until we meet again,  and we all made a toast in honor of Lucas. As the sun went down, his young tribe handed out flower petals and we gathered by the ocean to spread the petals in the water. As we all said our goodbyes, we cried and hugged and embraced the sadness we were all feeling. After several minutes someone let off the most beautiful fireworks above our heads. This life celebration was so thoughtful and special, something I could have never planned on my own. I am eternally grateful to Lucas’s young tribe for creating such an incredible celebration for our beautiful boy. We parted ways and the next day our crew met at Sandy’s beach with some of Lucas’ ashes. We found a peaceful spot by the rocks and gathered to lay some of his ashes and say our goodbyes. More tears flowed as we all embraced, still in shock that we were saying goodbye to someone so special, so young and so full of life. This just didn’t make sense. 

The only thing that made sense was to stay connected to Lucas’s tribe, to find a way to continue to honor my beautiful boy. Lucas had visited Maui a few times while living on Oahu and was considering a move there. After the fires in Maui, we discussed the possibility of him helping rebuild when the time was right. 

I feel my sons spirit guided me to the idea of building with Habitat Maui in his honor. The ability to do so has allowed me to continue to express the love I have for my child while staying connected to his tribe and focusing on something that will help others in his honor. 

In Oahu, I felt a strong connection to my son, others shared feeling the same way, I could see it in Lucas’s cousins Aisha and Will, they showed up so present and supportive, ready to help in any way. Once we returned to Washington, I felt a disconnect and I fell apart, I knew it was something I needed to do. I needed to cry, to sob for hours, to be angry, disoriented, to contemplate and journal. I also had my daughter at home with me, my sweet Maile, although 19, she has been through a lot of loss in her life, and this was probably the most unexpected and devastating. I needed to be present for her, to help, when I could, model healthy grieving and meet her in her grief. Together we have been fumbling our way through it, with support from family and friends, and a counselor we are navigating our way. 

So many of our friends and family were not able to be in Hawaii with us so we planned a life celebration in Washington as well. This felt different, not as clear as to what made sense, but as my son and I would often say, I was trusting the process. Owen Beach Pavilion in Point Defiance Park in Tacoma became available. It felt right, a beautiful place, that I have been to with Lucas many times on the beach. The family agreed so we moved forward with our plans, everything lined up and came together. 

The day was a blur, it seemed like hundreds of people showed up and all I did was hug people and cry, something that felt needed. All the pain present that day, it was needed. It was needed because the loss of someone so young and full of life leaves pain, pain we can all understand and grieve. I felt a sense of gratitude for all the people who showed up that day to help us honor our son. His dad, my dad and I spoke. Again, I felt Lucas guide my words, but this time, with more time to reflect, I had a lot to say. As I was nearing the end of my speech, I lost my place on my phone and I could feel Lucas telling me to wrap it up. A bit disoriented, I did. As I looked up for the first time and really took in the gaze of the audience all I saw were tears. My son was right, it was time to wrap it up and move on to saying goodbye. Hannah, Maile, his dad, and I brought baskets full of rose petals to the beach for people to release and say goodbye at sunset. It was another special moment I will always remember. My heart is so broken, it felt important to really honor this loss. These life celebrations allowed me to do that and to take in the love and support of our community. 

Lucas has shown up for me in such surprising ways since his passing. After his life celebrations I needed a lot of alone time to cry and reflect. I honestly did not realize it was possible to cry so much but I couldn’t stop it, any time I was alone the tears would flow. Sometimes I would listen to music and move the emotions through my body, other times I would curl up in a ball and cry or throw things I knew would not break, only because I did not want to deal with cleaning it up. Sometimes I would be caught off guard by panic or the feeling I was losing my mind, it just felt too painful to accept or understand and although I can feel Lucas close it is not in a way I am used to. Conversations with him are now in my head or when I am journaling, this can make you feel crazy, but I know I am feeling his energy and using words that are not mine or not what I thought I would hear. In the beginning he would often just ask me to take care of myself, to calm down, to try and be in the present moment. Twice, without warning, a video of a little marmot screaming “mom, mom, mom” popped up on my phone. The first time I opened my phone to set my alarm and that video was playing. I knew immediately Lucas wanted my attention; he was worried about me. I had not been tuning into his spirit, I had been focused on the loss and grief and honestly it felt like I was barely hanging on, so completely disoriented. I gathered myself enough to start to turn my attention to where he is now. I took a Daily OM online course, titled “Talking to Dead People”, I watched a film called “Life with Ghosts”. Both informative, comforting and reassuring because the advice they were sharing was what I was already experiencing or being guided to do by Lucas. I was also guided to a book by Laura Lynn Jackson called “Signs” which oddly enough, I already had in my home but had not read. It was also so reassuring that what I was experiencing was true and normal and it was Lucas, something I knew in my heart, but my mind would challenge this belief at times and the adjustment to this new relationship is painful at times. 

Lucas comes to me in many ways and will intensify his contact around times he knows I am struggling. 

Shortly after his accident, when we were back in Washington, I had a dream, it was a disorganized dream, a bit chaotic and odd but I woke up with such clarity of what it meant. 

 I knew it was a message from Lucas, letting me know something was wrong with his motorcycle. As I mentioned before I knew he was wearing his safety gear, I knew he valued his life and wanted to be safe. I also knew drugs and alcohol were not involved which was later confirmed by the hospital. My understanding was his motorcycle lost control and he slid under a large truck, something he could not survive. This dream was so clear it led me to contact some of his friends who were familiar with the bike, they confirmed that the bike would lock up when shifting down. I know my sweet boy wanted me to understand he did not mean to leave this world when he did, it simply was his time, and these were the circumstances in which it came about. 

Before his 21st birthday, which was four days after Thanksgiving, I had a dream that he would be allowed to be with us again on his birthday, but he had to be five years old to remind us to be in awe of all the beauty in the world around us, to see the world, as a child does, discovering it for the first time. Lucas helped me plan his birthday party, who to invite and what to include. With a house full of family and Lucas’ friend’s we had brunch, then gathered around our dining room table, filled with pictures of Lucas and a surfboard signed by all guests in attendance at his life celebrations. We had twenty-one taper candles that we lit one at a time around the circle, then we shared stories of Lucas and made twenty-one wishes for him. We played the birthday song I play for my kids every year, “Happy Birthday to you” by Stevie Wonder. I gave out key chains that said A Hui Hou Lucas on them with two of my favorite pictures of him, one at five years old and one recent with him free on a mountain hiking in Hawaii. His friends brought flower bouquets and we headed back to Owen Beach in Point Defiance to release some of his ashes and flower petals in his honor. It was such a beautiful way to celebrate his birthday and I will forever be grateful to his friends for joining us to celebrate him. 

Maile, Hannah, and I planned a trip to Maui and Oahu. Hannah was planning to move back to Colorado soon and I wanted the chance to be in Oahu with her to see the places she and Lucas had visited together before she moved, at least that is why I thought I was going. The three of us met in Maui to spend the weekend and meet with Habitat Maui about our project in honor of Lucas. Our first night together we stayed up until four in the morning talking about Lucas, it was some much-needed time to go over everything and try to process the reality of his loss. 

Maui was nice for the time together and exploring parts of the island we have not been to. Habitat was gracious and kind, they understood the magnitude of our loss and were supportive in our plan to build something in honor of Lucas. 

Once we got to Oahu, we parted ways with Hannah for a bit so she could get back to her life there. It felt odd to be back in Oahu  without Lucas and I immediately felt him letting me know I do not need to be in Hawaii to be close to him, he is with me wherever I go. Most days were windy and rainy which felt fitting of our mood, just somber and down. I was also a little disoriented to why I was there. Eventually we went to Lucas’ work where they had put his work shirt up in a frame with photos to memorialize him. It was nice to meet with his boss, who was a huge support to Lucas. I had written him a card with my sons help and gave him some pictures. Then we headed to the Bank of Hawaii to get some things notarized, something I could only do in Hawaii, the process was easy, and they were kind. I was apprehensive about taking care of this because tasks like this make it so real and can be so painful that they often wipe me out for days. Having Hannah and Maile by my side made it much easier. Having this taken care of made the trip make sense. It would have been hanging over my head as a task needing to be done and I am grateful I was able to complete it. 

Maile and I arrived home the day before Christmas and quickly got wrapped up in the holiday spirit with family. It was a nice distraction from the loss we were all still hurting from. As we started to approach the new year, I was getting anxious. For some reason it felt like I was leaving Lucas behind. Through my journaling with him I felt him comfort me and tell me to think of each passing day, each passing year, as me getting another day closer to being with him again. He did not want me to worry about moving forward without him and to know that I was moving forward with him and moving towards reunification when my journey here is done. It was surprisingly a comforting thought and one I have shared with many other people close to Lucas. 

Lucas started really showing up for me in amazing ways as the new year approached. I started seeing several rainbows something that Lucas has always loved, his Instagram name used to be #legitrainbow. One day I was headed on a hike at the Dungeness Spit, and I checked in with Lucas, I felt that he was with his sister who was skiing at Mission Ridge. As the hike went on, I felt Lucas with us and suddenly with very little rain a beautiful rainbow appeared in front of us. 

A few months after Lucas passed,  I bought a digital picture frame and loaded several of our favorite pictures of him on it, several of them I had received from Hannah and some of them were live photos. One day while we were sitting on the couch with our backs to the frame, we suddenly hear Lucas say “what up girl” in an incredibly loud voice. It was a live photo that had captured his voice and it was such an amazing surprise to suddenly hear Lucas’ voice, something the frame had never done before. We inspected the frame to try and figure out how you get it to make sound and found out you have to touch the top menu bar to activate the sound, which clearly none of us had done from the couch.  

A few days later we were out shopping, and I realized my eye kept being drawn to bottles of wine with the name Luke, which didn’t seem too unusual, but I definitely took note of it. Later that day I was practicing Spanish on Duo and one of my lessons had the name Lucas, I have never seen the name Lucas in a Duo Spanish lesson and I have been practicing for two years. I was so grateful for all the signs to help keep my spirits up over the holidays. 

I am adjusting, I journal with Lucas every day. Some days are still incredibly painful, and the reminders can come at unexpected times. One day while home alone and struggling, I was suddenly overwhelmed with a rush of images and feelings, it was my son, downloading in me how incredibly beautiful it is where he is now and that this beauty is in me and all of us and that I can connect to this beauty when I connect to my soul, my higher self. I found myself sobbing on the couch for what felt like hours overwhelmed by the beauty I had just experienced. It was something I know I will never truly be able to put into words, but it is a moment I will never forget. 

One night I had such a clear dream, it was beautiful and felt like a lesson or instructions on a daily habit to incorporate. I am not sure if it was Lucas or other spirit guides. I woke up knowing the instructions were to meditate daily connecting to my higher self, expanding my energy, and saying I am open to all possibilities that are in my highest good. 

While struggling with some minor health challenges I felt guidance to tune into my body’s inner wisdom. An example shown to me was when I would hold Lucas and Maile when they were babies while they napped. With every fiber of my being, it felt right to hold them close to my heartbeat while they rested. It was a primal instinct I felt while taking care of my babies. This was shown to me to remind me to follow those primal instincts when taking care of myself. 

On August 18th, 2023, three days before Lucas passed, we talked about a podcast he had listened to that really spoke to him with Jon Bernthal and Shia LaBeouf. I recall this podcast had resonated with him because of what Shia shared about the shedding his ego.  I listened to the podcast because I enjoyed learning about what spoke to Lucas, I messaged him later that day to tell him and I shared that we used to read one of the story’s referenced by Shia in the podcast. A story called “A Farmer’s Luck”. We would read this story in kids yoga classes. The story is a message of not judging situations in one’s life as good or bad. “

Seven months later as I reflect on the conversations Lucas and I had, as his life was coming to an end, unbeknownst to either of us, I am amazed. The amount of time we spoke in his last few weeks had increased, sometimes two to three times a day and often for hours when our schedules allowed. I thought my son was needing extra support as he navigated young adult life and the complications in some of his family relationships, but I now sometimes wonder if I was being prepared for his loss. Lucas really opened up to me and shared so much of what was on his mind. He was also kind and grateful for the life we had together, and I was able to share the same feelings with him. I feel Lucas knew, without a doubt, how much I loved being his mom, loved who he is and was grateful to have him in my life. This was reflected to me after his loss by his friends. 

Now when I reflect on my first journal with Lucas after he passed, I see how often the ego is mentioned and the importance of letting go of the ego, staying open to all possibilities that are in my highest good and trusting I am on the right path. 

While journaling it is sometimes challenging to tell what is him and what is me. In the beginning of our journaling, he would communicate he was so worried about me, not communication I was expecting or wanting but I could see how that was his focus. I was a mess, barely functioning and I believe it worried Lucas to see me so distraught. One day while at a wedding for one of my best friend’s sons I felt Lucas’s hands on my shoulders. It had not even been a month since he had passed, and it took every fiber in my being to gather the energy and courage to be present at this wedding. Hearing all the nice things said about the groom reminded me of my son’s life celebrations and all the kind things his friends said, but what a stark contrast in celebrations. Both celebrating love and bringing together community but one is celebrating the beginning of something, and one is celebrating the end, or so I thought. 

Lucas knew I needed comfort in that moment, and I don’t know how, but he was there, and he was comforting me. I could feel his hands on my shoulders.